Netflix has only one more of these collections in their Instant Que, so I figure why not? While the concept of watching a bunch of trailers is as boring as I figured (seriously, without the promise of a film at the end, this is kinda dull) writing about the experience has not. And, amazingly enough, I’ve spotted at least two films I knew nothing about. Which surprised me.
Anyways, let’s start watching some trailers. Again.
- The Giant Gila Monster – A giant beaded liz… I mean gila monster attacks a group of innocent teens. I really have to review this for the other site. Not very good, as I recall. In fact… have I EVER finished it?
- King Kong v. Godzilla – A love story. Seriously, what do you think it’s about? Speaking of the other site, I’ve said all I’m going to say about this movie right here. It’s a mountain of monkey and lizard yattering, let me tell you. Unsurprisingly, not a single Japanese character gets a speaking scene show in the trailer, save Fumiko, who just screams. Also, the worst F/X moment in the film? Shown right at the end. Figures.
- Konga – A repeat from the Sci-Fi collection. I’ve said my piece. For the record, this kind of repetition is acceptable. Sort of.
- Gorgo – Ditto
- The Return of the Fly – Vincent Price must help his nephew after said nephew loses his head. Not as good as the original, but it’s got Price in it. Which helps. A lot.
- The Giant Behemoth – Ditto again. Y’d think there was a shortage of monster movies out there they could have picked from.
- Werewolf v. the Vampire Woman – Different collection, but same ditto. Honestly, this collection’s a bust for me so far. Would have been far better had I seen it first…
- Frankenstein and the Monster From Hell – Hilariously, when I skipped ahead, I missed this trailer entirely. It’s only going back to see if a later trailer repeated that I caught it. Oh, and ditto.
- Godzilla: King of the Monsters! – Yawn. This collection is as dull as dirt.
- The Valley of the Gwangi – The wild west has never been wilder when a bunch of cowboys discover a lost world. FINALLY! A trailer I haven’s seen in an earlier collection! Can they keep it up, I wonder? Incidentally, this isn’t one of my favorites, though I’ll be durned if I can tell you why right now. Typical Harryhausen goodness in the monster department, though. (After watching it to the end, I have to say that’s a pretty good trailer. Had Young Cullen seen it, he would have wanted to go to the theater RIGHT NOW to watch it. Good job, there.)
- Creature From the Black Lagoon – Intrepid scientists aid the dating life of a relic from another time. EXCELLENT MOVIE, crappy quality trailer. In fact, the Gillman series is one of the few monster series where every movie in it is worth watching. AND NOT EVEN REMOTELY CHEESY!
- Attack of the Crab Monsters – There are no Macra in Control! Excuse the obscure Doctor Who reference. I really didn’t like this movie. Thought it lacked a certain something. Others disagree.
- The Thing From Another World – A walking carrot wants to make a harvest of its own. That jokey synopsis there truly doesn’t do this movie any justice. A really fine flick that any and every sci fi fan should see. AND NOT EVEN REMOTELY CHEESY!
- King Kong v. Godzilla – Apo e lizardo. A repeat in movie, but not in trailer. This is a different trailer than the last, and thus is a worthy addition to the collection. Of course, a completely different movie would have been better, but what can you do? This one does the previous trailer one better by not showing any cast members speaking at all.
- The Abominable Snowman of the Himalayans – A hunter makes the wrong monster angry. This is a good, not great film. Peter Cushing does his thing quite well.
- Godzilla: King of the Monsters! – Same trailer. Are you serious?
- Them! – There goes that streak. Ditto.
- The Cyclops – Ditto the ditto.
- The Valley of the Dragon – A Lost World flick. Sounds familiar, but I’ve never seen it. First time I can say that for this collection, which is refreshing. While the lizard-as-dinosaur stuff leaves me less than impressed (the only movie that did that well was Journey to the Center of the Earth) there’s a lot going on here that intrigues me. Including a giant rubber spider! Might give it a go, if I can.
- Attack of the 50 Foot Woman – An alien makes a troubled woman grow to… well… you know. Not as good as it could have been, but a hell of a lot better than the remake. And they call Allison Hayes the most grotesque monster ever. Really. I think not.
- The Astounding She-Monster – A female alien causes havoc. Here’s another one I haven’t heard of before. It looks like she goes around hugging her victims to death. What a way to go! Gotta be bad, and gotta be seen! By me, at least.
- Forbidden Planet – Space explores must deal with an invisible monster. EXCELLENT FILM!
- Rodan – Miners dig too deep in the earth and find monsters. Not as good as I remember it being, but still, I loves me some Rodan!
- The Mole People – Explorers find a lost underground kingdom. An okay time killer hampered by a needlessly downbeat ending.
- Mysterious Island – Back to the dittos.
- Monster From Green Hell – Giant alien monsters in Africa. BORING! Really, really boring.
- The Monster That Challenged the World – Giant prehistoric snails seek vengeance over escargot! They only challenge the world if you consider California the world. But in any case, it’s a decent movie, well worth seeking out. The trailer, though, has a giant cheat; it has a moment with the snail being bigger than a city, which never happens. Dirty pool, old boy!
- The Giant of Marathon – Not about a real giant, sadly. Sword and sandle flick. Don’t know it, haven’t seen it, won’t watch it.
- The Slave – The son of Spartacus causes havoc for Rome. Looks like the good times are over, folks. Almost miss doing the dittos.
- Samson and Delilah – The wrong man gets a haircut. Heavy sigh. Seen bits of this one, incidentally. It’s… okay.
- The Last Days of Pompeii – It’s volcano day! Heavy sign, part 2.
- The Three Stooges Meet Hercules – Eye poke for the strong man! Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck. Oh thank God. The tedium of the peplum was getting to me. And I know that’s the singluar and the plural is actually pepla. I don’t care. Any more than Curly Joe DeRita is in this and not the original Curly, thus making the nyucks inaccurate. Anything to amuse myself at this point. And anyone who points out it’s my fault for watching this thing in the first place… well, you’re right. Darn you.
- Mighty Ursus – Has a dumb name. You know, that Three Stooges movie looked pretty good, all things considered. Might look it up. This trailer, though, is just shots of a painting. It looks bad. And boring.
- The Secret Seven? – Some gladiators? Maybe?
Look. At this point I have no illusions of the quality of these Cheezy X Trailer collections. They’re shoddy, crappy things made to make a quick buck. Any idiot who buys these things deserves to be swindled.
But this last trailer is inexcusable. It’s in such poor condition that you can’t tell what the hell is going on. You can’t even tell what the name of the movie is. I caught a quick Secret Seven a time or two and that’s it.
The trailer after that, for Goliath, is almost as bad. In fact, I’m not sure it’s two Goliath movies (Goliath and the Sins of Babylon) put back to back.
There’s no excuse for this. None. Had I thought the people who put this damn thing together had the moral conscience of a Great White Shark, I’d tell them they should be ashamed of themselves. But they don’t.
In fact, that’s it. This isn’t fun any more. I have, I dunno, twenty minutes of viewing time left. I’m passing on the rest. Avoid this collection. In fact, avoid the lot of them. You deserve better.