We’ve covered this ground before, but in case it does need restated, here’s the gist. I am practically a Luddite when it comes to computers. That’s a bit of an overstatement, of course – a real Luddite wouldn’t have the damn Devil Box in the house – but I am never certain around the thing. I know so little.
When a problem comes up involving the computer, I usually go through the Cullen’s Secret Computer All-Cures. The first CSCAC is “Restart Thy Computer”, the second is “Beg Thy Devil Box To Work, Pretty Please,” and the third is “Call Thy Brother Eric Nonce, For It Is He Who Knows the Tesh.”
I meant Tech. Could have sworn I wrote Tech. Guess Xoanon made me do it.
Gratuitous Doctor Who reference aside (wait, is it even possible to have a gratuitous Doctor Who reference?), with a keyboard malfunction, CSCAC #1 is useless. CSCAC #2 was tried to little effect. So we go straight to CSCAC #3. Call Eric, see what was what,
“I don’t know that much about fixing keyboards,” Eric told me. “Sorry.”
Well crap. That ain’t good.
I resigned myself to a sticky “L” key. Big tears trickled down my face. Lot’s of sobbing and wondering how the hell I was going to write a novel without the letter “L”.
You know what? You can’t. Try it sometime. All you get is “oven” misspelled.
But all was not yet lost. Drifting down from the heavens came a solitary figure, that of Brother Todd. “Let me take a crack at it, Cullen,” he said. “I’m good at the mechanical stuff.”
He volunteered to crack the keyboard open and try and clean it. As that was what I had planned to do myself, I couldn’t quite say no. Besides, it got me out of work, and, being a phenomenally lazy person, I like getting out of work. I like it a lot. When he requested pliers and a Philps screw drive, I fetched the tools, then ran away, afraid of what might happen next.
Well, what happened next is one fixed keyboard. Not only did he fix the “L”, he found two more sticking keys: the “5” and the “8”. The thing works as well as it did coming out of the box. The day was saved!
“That’ll be five hundred dollars, Cullen”
“But… But that’s a bit unreasonable.”
Todd snapped his pliers. “You have ten fingernails and ten toenails, right?”
“Either five hundred bucks or twenty nails. Your choice.”
Well, I’m a phenomenally lazy man. And making that much money is work. What choice do you think I made?
(Wonder what he’s going to do with those nails…?)