Link Was… One of Them

You might think that two young boys, fans of The Legend of Zelda video game series, would watch a cartoon based upon one of their favorite video game series.  If you knew they watched such fine fair as Saturday Supercade, The Dragon’s Lair cartoon, and Pac-Man, you might think we… I mean they… they had no taste in cartoons whatsoever and would watch whatever was put up on the TV screen.  Just pretty colors, that’s all they see.  It could be the Smurfs every Saturday and sometimes Fridays when it was on, over and over again with their voices, their annoying voices and moronic stories drilling into our heads like a diamond bore drill through tapioca pudding, it’s a wonder that we can think at all the amount of time we watched that show and the repeats and specials, and if you knew, if you only knew the horror that I have seen in the dark hours of the night,  from the empty depths of the soul, but Papa Smurf always says… PAPA SMURF ALWAYS SAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So yeah, possibly insane outburst aside, we watched a lot of crap cartoons, Brother Eric and I, and if they stemmed from our beloved video games, well, so much the better.  We laughed, we enjoyed.  We were kids.  Taste is relative to the size and maturity of the brain.  Not always for the best, mind, but it is so.

Thus, we watched a lot of  The Legend of Zelda cartoon series, right?  We watched as the heroic Link and kind Princess Zelda struggled against the diabolical Ganon and his band of baddies as the fate of Hyrule.  We cheered when the show began and mourned its passing.  Right?

No.

Hell no.

Watch the opening (courtesy of YouTube) and see if you can guess just why we didn’t watch.  And bad animation doesn’t count; believe me, we watched much, much worse.

I made mention of this little phenomena before, in my Spectacular Spider-man review, but we may as well cover it again.  In this winner of a cartoon, our hero Link was…  one of them.  A boy protagonist apparently created to appeal to boys by being as obnoxious as possible.  Someone you would never actually want to hang with if he was a real live person.  A character who made the viewer actively want him to die.  On fire.  Covered with bees.  And fire ants.

You won’t believe how many fire ants.

I mean, for instance, take the opening’s end.  Link rescues Zelda by leaping off a bridge, only to deposit her square into the water.  She is, to say the least, a bit miffed.  Does he point out that this was probably the only out come (ignoring the fact he managed to be perfectly high and dry)?  Does he apologize?  Does he look even the slightest bit sorry?

Of course not.  He smirks and says “Well excuuuuse me, Princess!”

Don't you just wanna punch him?
A face not even a mother could love…

That’s his catch phrase.  The thing he says in every God damn misbegotten painful as a toothache episode.  “Well excuuuuse me, Princess!”  Smirk, smirk.

He does that once in a video game I’m playing, he doesn’t need to worry about Ganon killing him.  I’ll do the job myself.  And not a cool death, either.

Fall on spikes and die.  Like that one, elf boy?

You say you can’t hold you’re breath very long under water, Link?  Well too bad!  Dive, elf boy, dive!

Over and over again.  And every time I will giggle.

Oh, how I will giggle.

See, I got this cat’s number.  This particular Link knows he’s the only person Zelda can rely on.  Thus, he believes that he can act out as badly as he wants to and keep his job.  Snotty remarks?  The occasional “accidental” dip in the river?  She can’t fire him.  Who else can she turn to, anyways?  Mario?  Please.

Worse, through out the series, Link keeps demanding kisses for his services.  Seriously.  Demands kisses.  For his heroics.

That, friends and neighbors, is sexual harassment right there.  I don’t care if he keeps being rebuffed or that (because It’s In The Script) Zelda secretly doesn’t mind.  That’s a Dick Move.  It will always be a Dick Move.  Par for the course for… one of them.

Thirty + years with no dates for me, and this Link gets a girlfriend? Barf.
Thirty + years with no dates for me, and this Link gets a girlfriend? Barf.

The show only lasted 13 episodes before being pulled from the air.  But, for the lucky few, it does appear to be on DVD.  Which is proof that there is no justice in the universe.  I mean, where the hell is my Mighty Orbots DVD?  Huh?  Quality cartoons languishing in limbo, and this crap gets the green light?  Saying that I have the sudden urge to projectile vomit green puss and blood might be a gross image to put into a reader’s head, but no more so than the concept of sitting through even one episode of this dross.  A waste of talent, a waste of effort, and a waste of precious life.  My existence was happier before it entered my memories.

Before we leave this… I dunno.  Is this a review?  Seems so, I guess.  More like a listing of petty grievances against something I don’t like.  Which might be considered a review, come to that.

Whatever this is, let me make one final point. You can make a tale with a hero who is… one of them.  You can make him an utter waste of skin (we’re looking at you, Ataru).  You can even make him an evil, murderous creep.

But if you do, you have to work double time to make him entertaining.  Otherwise, no one is going to want to be around him.  Which means your tale will go unread.  unloved.

That’s the great failing of this The Legend of Zelda‘s Link. His cartoon creators were so sure of his personality’s success, they didn’t go the extra mile to make watching him worth the viewer’s time.  And that is why he failed.

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2 Replies to “Link Was… One of Them

  1. Heh… One of Them. Yeah, that he is…

    Did anyone else notice that there were only two TRIforces? I mean, for the love of Mike, it’s called a TRIforce, and every child knows that a TRIceratops has three horns… So, what gives?

    Ahh, well. In the face of an obvious inability to perform basic character design, find decent voice actors, and so on, I guess an inability to count is par for this particular course.

    You missed a chance, there, though… You should have pointed out the other “Thems” on youth television back in those days. People like Kid Video (a show somewhat redeemed by the presence of Master Blaster…) and Simon Belmont from that dumb show about video game kids… Captain Power, right?

    Of course, Captain Power had much worse issues… like Mega-Man (who was mega annoying, mega saying mega in every mega sentence).

    And speaking of unearned military rank, don’t even get me started on Captain Planet.

  2. Actually, my misremembering brother, it was Captain N. Captian Power was a whole ‘nother bag of wax.

    As for discussing other… one of them: Probably. I made out a tag for ’em already.

    As for discussing Captain N: I simply don’t remember enough about it. I only remember this much about Link because of the sheer disappointment level.

    As for the Triforce thing: Shut up. Don’t rub it in. I watched that damn thing four times for this essay and I didn’t notice once. Observant is I!

    As for Captain Planet: Feel free to start. E-mail the rant and I’ll see if I can make a blog post out of it, complete with witty remarks.

    And yes I can be witty, thank you, Mister Smarty Pants. Two independent sources now! Bet you can’t say the same about your blog.

    Blogs.

    Whichever.

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