Fantastic Underground Camping Kwest – A Fiction of Sorts

Fantastic Underground Camping Kwest!***

© 198X.

You have such a grand adventure ahead.

You are standing in a field of flowers. To the NORTH of you is a white house. To the SOUTH is a burning village. What now?

–> Walk to house

I do not understand.

–> House

I do not understand.

–> North

You now stand before a white house. Smoke rises from the horizon SOUTH of you.

–> Look at house

I do not understand.

–> Look

It is a white house with a nice red chimney. As far as you know, no presidents have ever lived there

–> Look for door

You forgot to LAUGH.

–> Look for door

I’m waiting. I can wait all day.

–> Laugh.

That would have worked the first time. Now I want a real laugh.

–> Ha ha

You call that a real laugh?

–> BWAHAHAHAHA!

Nice. You now stand before a white house. Smoke rises from the horizon SOUTH of you.

–> Look for door

I do not understand.

–> Door

I do not know “door”

–> Window

I do not know “window”

–> Enter house

You can not enter the house. The doors are locked and the windows barred. Apparently they heard what you did back SOUTH.

–> What you did back south

You are standing in a field of flowers. To the NORTH of you is a white house. To the SOUTH is a burning village. What now?

–>             .

–> North

Haven’t we done all that already? It’s just a house. Meanwhile, something is happening to the SOUTH. Something I previously implied you did. Shouldn’t you, I dunno, go back and see what it is?

–> North

You now stand before the same white house you were standing in front of before. It is still white and it still has a red chimney. It is just as dull now as it was the first time I describe it. More, the only joke I have about it is gone. Smoke rises from the horizon SOUTH of you. I’m sure you’ll find that more interesting.

–> Search house

I told you, you can not enter the house. The doors are locked and the windows barred. Apparently they HEARD what you DID back SOUTH.

–> Heard

That wasn’t meant as a command! I was just using capitalization for emphasis. It’ll be big in the future trust me

–> Did

Ha ha, very funny. Something is coming from the WEST. It’s probably a Hork, coming to punch you in your funny looking head.

–> Draw sword

You don’t have a sword. You might have gotten one had you gone south (note the lack of capitalization. Can’t go there with an evil Hork on your tail!)

–> Draw weapon

No weapon, either, dummy. The Hork is almost upon you! Get ready for punching.

–> Ready fists

Okay, you got me there. The Hork is in punching range. You have a 1% chance to PUNCH him, while he has a 100% chance to punch you in the melon.

–> Punch

Holy crap, you hit him! A critical, even! You punched his head clean off! Boy is this some adventure, huh? But now it’s time to head SOUTH, right?

–> Climb chimney

Look, the house burned down when you weren’t looking. The chimney exploded. There’s only a smoldering ruin.

–> Search ruin

Oh, for the love of…

Look, the house has nothing to do with this part game, okay? It was there for something that would happen much, much later on another disk entirely. You were supposed to read about the smoke from the burning village and go there instead.

But NOOOOOO you couldn’t do that, could you? You had to go see the damn house now, didn’t you? No hint was good enough for you, was it?

I worked for four years on this game, making it the best it can be, and for what? For a dirty cheater pants like you to ruin it all.

Okay, fine. Rocks fall out of the sky and you die. You now have start all over at…

At…

At the goddamn field between the house and the village! You haven’t even got past that yet! Most of the play testers were at the first dungeon by now! You know how stupid you are? Take a guess! Take a wild guess!

–> Uninstall Fantastic Underground Camping Kwest

–> Install Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards

Yeah, like THAT’S going to help you with your adequacy issues….


Explaining jokes tend to ruin them, I know, I know. However, in the interest of Those Not In the Know, let me mention a couple of things.

Back in Ye Olden Days, computer games had no graphics. They were all text based, similar to what you have just read. Sometimes they were most infuriating to deal with. Though this is Old Cullen talking here. Young Cullen never had a computer to try these things, nor knowledge of what good graphics looked like. He might have grooved on the things a bit more.

If you are interested in trying one of those older games, might I suggest checking out The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy? It’s the original game based on the British Science Fiction series. Well, original save it now has some graphics attached. Still, play it for five minutes and you’ll experience all the headaches and… err… joys of video games pre Atari.

And yes, I’m thinking about playing it again, too. I be masochistic, it seems.

Also, I’ve played fast and loose with how games worked back then. It was done for comedic effect and should be all good. If not, the next story will be better. I hope.

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