[We open with our old friends BRAD and TAD, sitting in the front row of a beautiful church. Both look extremely uncomfortable. Brad speaks in a high pitched whine. Tad is only slightly more mature.]
Oh oh oh what are we doing here I don’t know…
Muffy told us we gotta get right with the Big G. You know that.
Can’t do it. Can’t do it.
We just confess our sins to Father O’Malley…
That’ll take all day!
[picking up where he left off]
Confess our sins to Father O’Malley and that’ll be it.
But what if he starts to yell at us over our sins?
Stop being so pessimistic. He won’t do that.
[Cut to over Tad’s shoulder, where we see a man heading towards the confessional. We can’t see who it is, quite.]
Please tell me that’s not who I think it is.
[We cut back to Our Heroes.]
[looking over his shoulder]
Yeah. It’s him. “World famous novelist” Cullen Waters.
He doesn’t do half the things we do. We’re going to look horrible by comparison!
Yes. Yes we are.
[Cut directly to the confessional. One of the doors bursts into a million pieces. It’s assailant, a priest, no doubt FATHER O’MALLEY, storms out with a cat o’nine tails in his hands and a face as red as a tomato. He heads to the confessional’s other door and punches clean through it with his free hand. From it he pulls out CULLEN WATERS, who may or may not look as handsome here as he does in real life. Father O’Malley grabs Cullen by the throat with his free hand, then raises him off his feet.]
HOW DARE YOU, SIR!
[Father O’Malley throws Cullen to the ground]
[raises the cat above his head]
THIS IS A HOUSE OF GOD!
[Cut to Brad and Tad, both horrified over their sins and Father O’Malley potential reaction. We hear the whip of the cat and a cry from Cullen]
A HOUSE OF GOD!
[Brad and Tad start to slink off before the good priest catches sight of them.
[Quick cut to a BLACK SCREEN. We see the following words:
[We return to the church, near a holy water font. There’s a line of four by it that we can see. In order is an unknown WOMAN, a badly beaten Cullen, followed by Brad and Tad. The woman dips her finger in to the font, does the Sign of the Cross, then move on.
[Cullen tries to do the same. Only the instant he dips his fingers into the water, there’s a loud hiss, like acid burning flesh.]
[shaking injured hand]
Ah! Ah! Ah!
[Brad and Tad don’t even bother; they just walk on by.]