Crap Horror Flicks Reviews (IV): Mil gritos tiene la noche/Pieces

A young boy has a traumatic experience when his mother catches him putting together a pornographic jigsaw puzzle.  He gets so mad that he decides to build his own woman when he grows up. And then he’ll go and hug her and squeeze her and call her George.  Or… whatever.

Do you want a better review of this flick that what’s given here? I can’t see why. But a fuller view can be achieved if that’s what you want. Click on the image and you’ll go to my sister site for more of PIECES than anyone really needs.

For this review, we’ll be using just the American title, Pieces, but really, we should just give up and call the film should be called ARGH! MINE EYES! Because even using the divine fast forward button, you can’t watch this picture without feeling slimy.  I mean seriously depraved.

Slasher Movies1 are misogynistic by nature.  There’s no real getting around that point.  The viewer is given a series of killings where the Slasher chases his (or, rarely, her) frightened victims down and brutally kills them.  Rule of thumb, the victims are well endowed females who had just recently had sex/had a massive nude scene.  The viewer is also treated to lingering views of the actual kill.  Fun for the whole family.

Now through good craft, be it by the director or the scriptwriter, you can get a thrilling, excellent movie despite the misogynistic overtones.  The original Slasher Movies are classic Horror Movies.  I’m thinking the original Halloween, I’m thinking the original Black Christmas.  The reason being both are more concerned with getting underneath the viewer’s skin rather than merely showing hot woman suffer beneath the killer’s touch.

One of the greatest Slasher movie and perhaps one the greatest Horror Movie ever made is the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  There’s a movie that cuts clean through you.  Nasty thing.  Proves the belief that you need gore for a good Horror Movie to be a lie.  Any gore you see there is in your head; the film makers had no money for it.

Now, assuming Texas Chainsaw Massacre is one of the best Slasher Movie, what would on the other side of the spectrum?  What would be one of the worst?

How’d you guess?  You psychic or something?

I watched Pieces the way it was meant to be watched, with the fast forward button pressed.  I still ended the viewing wanting to bathe.  To give you an example of what I mean, consider this.  We have in this movie a scene in which one of the victims of the killer loses bladder control before being chainsawed.  We get a lovely close up of this frightened girl wetting herself.

Charming.

The worse thing, the most terrible thing, is the MIND BOGGLINGLY AWFUL ending.

Let me Spoil it for you so you won’t have to suffer like I did.

The killer has been captured and the collection of women bits found.  The bits are all fashioned together into a full woman, which falls on top of Our Hero.  Who thrashes around beneath the corpse screaming.  Not what I would do, of course.  I’d get my fool self out from under the corpse first.  Then I’d scream, thrash around, etc.

You must have priorities, you know.

We next cut to a few moments later.  Our Hero has now recovered what passes as his dignity.  He’s with another fellow (hey, fast forward was held down, remember?).  The jigsaw corpse is on the ground, covered.

The fellow suggests that they should go.  Our Hero, weary, agrees.  But he needs to get something.  He steps partially over the body.  Suddenly, without warning or rational thought behind the writing, the jigsaw corpse reaches up and castrates him with her bare hand.

That’s right.  Castrates.  Bare hand.  Through the jeans.  Loving close up.

I wonder if it was symbolic or something.

Probably not.

Avoid this movie, people.  For your own sake.  You have better things to watch.  Like paint drying.


1 You might get the impression from the rest of this piece that I don’t like Slasher Movies.  This is correct for the most part.  However, I have another reason more than just what is given here.  Unfortunately, I can see no way of squeezing it into this review.  We’ll probably go into it the next time we hit Slasher territory.  Of course, it was two years since I last talked only about a Slasher Movie, so don’t hold your breath on that.

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10 Replies to “Crap Horror Flicks Reviews (IV): Mil gritos tiene la noche/Pieces”

  1. You can’t handle a little castration, but you’ll put up with the stabbing Jell-O scene at the beginning of Susperia?

    Just kidding.

    Yeah, this movie sounds, like, pretty crappy.

    Good thing I have my own Rule # 3 to protect me.

  2. Nice review – your site just keeps getting better. The real trick is getting to check these films out in the Philippines (these guys like to specialize in bootleg version of current films). I can go to the market and get anything current for about $1.50 while it’s still playing in the theater (!!!!)

  3. Watts – You want to know the difference between Suspira and Pieces? Suspira is an atmospheric Horror Flick done by a competent Director. Pieces? Not so much so.

    Honestly, if you watched Pieces I think you’re opinion of Suspira might rise more than a little. Not that I think you should watch Pieces mind you. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

    Henry – Good to here from you! I thank you for your kind words.

  4. You missed the point and probably fast forwarded through the funniest bits. Pieces is a bad movie, but it is so bad that it is great. Halloween and Texas Chainsaw Massacre are great films and far better slasher movies, but Pieces is funner. To compare them would be like comparing 2001: A Space Odyssey to Plan 9 From Outer Space.
    Did you catch the scene where the undercover cop is being perused by the killer only to have a “Kung-Fu professor” jump out and attack her, only to blame “bad chop suey?” Or the amazing way the undercover cop screams “Bastard!” after finding the body of the girl who wet herself. Or the soon-to-be-a-victim say “The most beautiful thing in the world is smoking pot and fucking on a waterbed at the same time!” Those are nuggets of B movie gold.
    And don’t give me this misogynistic trip. Does the movie portray women in a positive light? No. Are the men seen in a better light? Not really. The women are mostly slutty bimbos (see: 90% of horror) but the men are : A) the killer, B) a dumb brute of a groundskeeper C) dumb slutty college kids, or D) a homosexual professor and red herring a little too into the skulls on his desk. The two main characters are the only ones with “depth” and he propositions her and she turns him down. See, not all women in this movie are sex craving sluts. Even though I am sure she might regret the whole “not now, but maybe we will fuck later” thing after a corpse/zombie/thing rips his junk off.
    Why did you even post this review? It is clear you did not watch the whole thing since watching a movie on fast forward is as productive as reviewing a movie based on the trailer and movie poster. It would be like me reviewing a concert and writing about how I had explosive diarrhea and spent the whole show in the bathroom. “Boy, did the band sound horrible through the bathroom wall.” Nobody gives a shit. Either watch the whole movie or keep your opinion to yourself.
    I am a huge fan of horror, but I fast forward through Texas Chainsaw Massacre a lot more than Pieces. Leatherface’s chase of Sally goes on way too long.

  5. Hi, VistaHST. Thanks for the comment. As my reply went on at length, I made a blog post out of it that you can find here. If you find it too long, the meat-and-potatoes version is I’m going to review films the way I like here.

    However, in the three years it took for you to find this review, I’ve opened up a new blog called Welltun Cares Reviews. There I review movies to your exacting standards and will, if the occasion arises, re-review Pieces, giving it all the respect it deserves.

    Take that as you will.

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