A young boy has a traumatic experience when his mother catches him putting together a pornographic jigsaw puzzle. He gets so mad that he decides to build his own woman when he grows up. And then he’ll go and hug her and squeeze her and call her George. Or… whatever.
For this review, we’ll be using just the American title, Pieces, but really, we should just give up and call the film should be called ARGH! MINE EYES! Because even using the divine fast forward button, you can’t watch this picture without feeling slimy. I mean seriously depraved.
Slasher Movies1 are misogynistic by nature. There’s no real getting around that point. The viewer is given a series of killings where the Slasher chases his (or, rarely, her) frightened victims down and brutally kills them. Rule of thumb, the victims are well endowed females who had just recently had sex/had a massive nude scene. The viewer is also treated to lingering views of the actual kill. Fun for the whole family.
Now through good craft, be it by the director or the scriptwriter, you can get a thrilling, excellent movie despite the misogynistic overtones. The original Slasher Movies are classic Horror Movies. I’m thinking the original Halloween, I’m thinking the original Black Christmas. The reason being both are more concerned with getting underneath the viewer’s skin rather than merely showing hot woman suffer beneath the killer’s touch.
One of the greatest Slasher movie and perhaps one the greatest Horror Movie ever made is the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre. There’s a movie that cuts clean through you. Nasty thing. Proves the belief that you need gore for a good Horror Movie to be a lie. Any gore you see there is in your head; the film makers had no money for it.
Now, assuming Texas Chainsaw Massacre is one of the best Slasher Movie, what would on the other side of the spectrum? What would be one of the worst?
How’d you guess? You psychic or something?
I watched Pieces the way it was meant to be watched, with the fast forward button pressed. I still ended the viewing wanting to bathe. To give you an example of what I mean, consider this. We have in this movie a scene in which one of the victims of the killer loses bladder control before being chainsawed. We get a lovely close up of this frightened girl wetting herself.
The worse thing, the most terrible thing, is the MIND BOGGLINGLY AWFUL ending.
Let me Spoil it for you so you won’t have to suffer like I did.
The killer has been captured and the collection of women bits found. The bits are all fashioned together into a full woman, which falls on top of Our Hero. Who thrashes around beneath the corpse screaming. Not what I would do, of course. I’d get my fool self out from under the corpse first. Then I’d scream, thrash around, etc.
You must have priorities, you know.
We next cut to a few moments later. Our Hero has now recovered what passes as his dignity. He’s with another fellow (hey, fast forward was held down, remember?). The jigsaw corpse is on the ground, covered.
The fellow suggests that they should go. Our Hero, weary, agrees. But he needs to get something. He steps partially over the body. Suddenly, without warning or rational thought behind the writing, the jigsaw corpse reaches up and castrates him with her bare hand.
That’s right. Castrates. Bare hand. Through the jeans. Loving close up.
I wonder if it was symbolic or something.
Avoid this movie, people. For your own sake. You have better things to watch. Like paint drying.
1 You might get the impression from the rest of this piece that I don’t like Slasher Movies. This is correct for the most part. However, I have another reason more than just what is given here. Unfortunately, I can see no way of squeezing it into this review. We’ll probably go into it the next time we hit Slasher territory. Of course, it was two years since I last talked only about a Slasher Movie, so don’t hold your breath on that.