Ben White is horrified to discover that his sister was killed by werewolves. He learns that these werewolves can only be killed by… by titanium… titanium stakes through the… the heart…
Look, do I really need to sum this crap up? I mean, honestly. Titanium stakes? That tells you all you need to know right there. Stupid stuff like that is hard to top. At least it doesn’t have a witch shooting cartoon lasers out of her hands.
Wait. IT DOES! GAH! GAH I SAY!
We will be calling the movie Howling 2 from here on, as while it should be called The Movie That Should Have Killed Christopher Lee’s Career It’s A Miracle He Recovered As Another Actor Would Have Quit Show Business Out of Embarrassment With a Film That Bad On His Resume, After All, If You Have To Apologize to the Original Director, the Flick’s Gotta Be Bad, and Oh, I’d Like an Apology Too, Mr. Lee, Along With The Buck Fifty I Spent Renting the Damn Tape, Cause Peter Cushing Never Failed Me This Bad, that’s far too long for me to write.
This was, no fooling, the very next Horror film I watched after Bloodbath at the House of Death. I didn’t go in because of the original movie. I’m an American Werewolf in London kind of guy. But Christopher Lee was in it. How could it be bad with Christopher Lee in it?
Well, let me tell you. It can be very, very bad. Poorly lit scenes, bad special effects, a mythology that makes NO FREAKING SENSE AT ALL, bad sex scenes, Sybil Danningplaying Christopher Lee’s sister (!), and on and on and on. Before it was half way through, I was praying for Lee’s character to die. He vanishes for a nice chunk of the movie. Surely the protagonists will stumble over his body right about… Now. Now. Now! Come on Chris, WHY WON’T YOU DIE? John Carradine had more sense than you do!1
Long boring movie story short, Lee dies right at the end of the picture. My hopes of salvation were dashed. I watched the rest of the film in dejected disappointment, marred only by the horrified disbelief that anyone would think ending a motion picture with a music video was a good idea.
Seriously. The movie ends with a music video. Complete with Sybil Danning ripping off her top in rhythm with the beat. I am in no way making this up. I can prove it, courtesy of YouTube. The poster has kindly covered up the only two reasons for watching the clip, but it’s still Not Safe For Work. Blood, gore, and the potential stigma of people knowing you’ve seen a part of Howling 2 are all attached to the following:
I’m so glad this is on YouTube. Now I don’t have to watch the damn movie again to see if my memories playing me false.2
Be that as it may, you’d think this flick would have put Point #18 in stone for me. This was not the case. I watch countless Horror shows before that rule came into effect. I think the first one I fast forward through was Cathy’s Curse/Cauchemares. And it felt good. It felt right. I mean, this is the best, safest way to watch bad Horror. Am I right or am I right?
Of course not. Don’t be silly. Check back tomorrow for proof.