There seems to be some general misinformation out there about yours truly. A bit of gossip, a bit of rumor. I thought it was about time to correct this. After all, as a world renown web personality, I have a certain image to maintain. A standard, if you will. The masses must have the facts, less I risk losing my overwhelming fame.
Thus the rumors, in no particular order:
Cullen writes in the nude.
This is so not true. I have NO IDEA who started this rumor. It’s a vile, vile slander, the likes that I have never seen in all of my life.
I write in my underwear like a normal person.
And not boxers.
I mean, please.
Tighty whiteys all the way.
It’s the way Shakespeare wrote. Except I’m using computers.
And I’m generally more talented.
But you knew that already.
Cullen looks like a world-famous movie star.
The most common claim is that I look like one Lon Chaney, the old silent screen star. Specifically, Lon Chaney as he appeared in his acclaimed role as the Phantom of the Opera (see right). I am, of course, flattered by the comparison. I mean, who wouldn’t want to look like a movie star.
But, as you might suspect, this has no bearing on reality.
I wish it did.
I might even get a date now and again if it was.
But no. Not even close.
Cullen is secretly dating Jessica Simpson.
Oh I tried to date her. How I tried. But after that one disastrous meeting, I’m afraid our love was not meant to be. A gentleman doesn’t gossip, but let me just say that starving weasels have no business on a first date.
And I made a few mistakes myself that night, too. Correcting her little slips and verbal missteps was a bit rude. But how was I supposed to know she’d make so many of them? It’s like there’s nothing between her ears!
Since then, she’s gone around denying she knows me. Go ahead, ask her. I can almost guarantee she’ll say she knows nothing about me.
Sad, really. But understandable. I mean, having a chance at me, only to blow it? That’s got to be embarrassing.
Cullen can communicate with llamas via telepathy.
Not yet. But soon. Soon
Cullen has written a 500,000 word novel dealing with the sexual escapades of comic book character Power Girl and a man named Nelluc Sretaw. A man who just happens to look, sound, and act just like Cullen. Except envied by everyone he meets.
Oh Power Girl (see right)! Lovely Power Girl! We haven’t talked about her in so long… She has a new comic series coming out! Isn’t that great? I hope it’s a good one, like she deserves. Full of pin ups. Nice. Poster sized. Pinups.
Where was I?
Oh yes! Yes! The rumor! No truth to that. It’s more a novella than anything else. A little novella. Almost a short story, really.
And the character isn’t named Nelluc Sretaw. Where do they get stuff like that? How unoriginal.
He’s called Waters Cullen. Though mostly he goes by Cullen.
Pretty clever, eh?
Cullen is a troll who posts inflammatory remarks on message boards and then runs far, far away.
I like to think of myself as a helpful Gnome, pointing out the foibles of my lessers. I try not to be too rude about things, but some people, you know? They’re asking for it.
You know the type. Bunch of whiners, really. Can I help it if I’m cool? And smart? And able to spell “Diplodocus?”
In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s a public service. One day, I’ll get a Nobel Peace Prize for my efforts.
Troll? I mean, come on!
Cullen has absolutely no idea what grammar is, let alone how to use it properly.
The guy who came up with this nonsense is an idiot. I have no idea where his or her mind is at. A grammar is married to a grampar, of course. Grammars bake the goodest brownies ever. They’res no doubt about that.
Cullen has purchased a “Love Doll” fashioned like Power Girl so he might… get to know her better.
Cullen is actually a Martian trying to undermine the cultural values of the Planet Earth with his nonsense.
Oh so close. But no. There’s no life on Mars. Everyone knows that.
And even if there was, hidden beneath the glorious red surface, what makes you think that such an advanced civilization would care about such a backwards mudball? What with the whole galaxy, the whole universe to explore? Surely that would be putting Earth on too high a pedestal.
And “cultural values”? Have you ever watched television? Hear to the “music” the youth listen to? Witnessed a U.S. political debate? Undermining that would be beneath a proper invader. An insult to his abilities. It would be as if his masters had just… discarded him and his potential.
I laugh at your Earthen foolishness. Ha. Ha.
gods i hate my life
Cullen does all his writing at the public library.
Well. What do you know. A true one. Can’t deny this one.
And you can’t imagine the complaints I get. Some people, am I right or am I right?
I don’t have to tell you all that this is a fiction, right? None of it is true. Well, except for my obsession with Power Girl, her new series, and the Grammar thing. But that goes without saying…
It’s probably wrong to enjoy making myself out to be a bigger dork than I actually am. Yet I can’t seem to stop…