“The Next Cullen” – A Fiction

“Whelp! Here I am!”

“Wha…? Who are you and what are you doing in my house?”

“Who I am isn’t important! It’s who I will be that matters!”

“Right. Well, if you don’t want to become Inmate #2304, you’d better leave before I call the police.”

“Don’t you get it? I’m here to take up the mantle!”

“What?”

“I’m the next Cullen Waters!”

What?

“You heard about Sonny Chiba retiring his name, right? He’s looking for a successor, the next Sonny Chiba! Well I thought it was past time you did the same!”

What?

“It’s not like you’re doing anything with it! It’s time for some new blood! And, frankly, some creative thinking!”

“How… thoughtful of you.”

“So here I am ready to make your name something special! I hope I beat out the other applicants!”

“Oh, no one else has shown you initiative, let me assure you.”

“Great! I even have a sample of my prose and my art! Here you go! I think you’ll have to agree that it’s a step up from the usual drek you put out!”

“I shouldn’t be reading other people’s… Power Girl Does Dallas?”

“See! Already got the whole Power Girl obsession down pat! Wasn’t easy, all things considered! What with the character’s bad attitude and all!”

Power Girl Does Dallas, eh? Maybe I should look into this. So that I might make fun of it later. And no other unseemly purpose. Really.”

“It’s even illustrated! Full color, full page!”

“Uh.”

“‘Sup? Have you had your mind blown or have you had your mind blown?”

“This isn’t written in English. And even if it is, it’s trash.”

“Wha? Of course it is! Look at that first sentence! ‘It was a dark and stormy night.’ A classic! Sets the scene perfectly!”

“Yes. Well, first off that sentence is so cliché that it makes other clichés embarrassed to be associated with it.”

“Get outta town, daddy-o! Somethings never go out of style! Don’t be L7! It’s the bee’s knees!”

“I’m certain all of that made sense to someone. Second, you have set a new standard for poor spelling.”

“You have some room to talk!”

“‘Was’ isn’t spelled ‘W-A-Z’. ‘Stormy’ doesn’t have a ‘u’ in it. And while you might – might I say – get away with using ‘N-I-T-E” for ‘night’ in some cases, I know for a fact you don’t need the ‘k’.”

“Small errors that anyone could make! It’s the Editor’s job to…”

“Stop speaking nonsense. The Writer needs to be proficient with grammar and spelling before an Editor will even give the work a glance.”

“If that’s the case, you’re never going to be published anyways! Good thing you’re stepping down!”

“I’m going to let that comment slide, as I’ve been telling myself something of the sort for years. Now let’s look at your… you call this art!

“Now come on! That’s clearly Power Girl flying through the sky!”

“This is crap! Utter crap!”

“It’s better than any of your drawings!”

“IT’S A GOD DAMN STICK FIGURE WITH GIANT CIRCLES FOR BOOBS!”

“Artistic license.”

“And what’s this? What’s with this other ‘drawing’? It looks like dripping tentacles attacking… Oh no you di’int.”

“Um.”

“Heh. You did not just hand me hentai. Not poorly drawn hentai about Power Girl being assaulted by tentacles. Nuh uh. That did not just happen. Heh.”

“It’s a plot point. After the ra… er… ah… after the attack, she grows as a person and becomes more tolerant of men. It’s deep. It’s… Should you be turning that shade of red? It doesn’t… It doesn’t look right.”

“Insult me, fine! Heh! Criticize my work, great!! Suggest that I should be replaced by a mealy mouth half-witted git with worse personal hygiene than I have, I will tolerate!!! Barely!!!! Heh heh!!!!”

“I think that you should be calming down right now. Please. Oh please.”

“BUT TO SUGGEST THAT DISGUSTING POWER GIRL HENTAI SHOULD EVER BE PUT OUT IN MY NAME!!!!! UNACCEPTABLE!!!!! YOU SHALL DIE THE DEATH!!!!! TWICE!!!!”

“Where did you get that sledgehammer? It wasn’t here a moment ago!”

“You’ll find that I’m full of surprises. Heh! And now we begin.”

“Please don’t kill me! It was only a joke, I swear!”

“Heh heh heh! Heh heh heh!”

“For the love of God!”

“Oh no. For the love of Power Girl!”


A few words here about this fiction.

Hentai, for those not in the know, is anime porn. I would have given a link, except that any link I give is not safe for work. As an example, a lot of hentai deals with something called “tentacle rape.” Any unpleasant images that brings to mind is, in all likelihood the least hentai has to offer. Needless to say I am not a fan.

The very thought of giving up your name to someone else kind of sickens me. Sonny Chiba, however, is a stage name, which makes it okay.

Plus, it’s Sonny Chiba doing it. I’m not going to argue with him. Are you?

In close, I hope some amusement was derived from this piece, even though it did get a little grim towards the end. I laughed, though, and that’s what’s important. Heh heh heh.

Oh, and Brothers Eric and Todd? Neither of you can have my name. You guys are stuck with your own. Learn to deal.

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2 Replies to ““The Next Cullen” – A Fiction”

  1. Hey! Was that STICK-FIGURE comment a crack at Rich Burlew? WAS IT??

    I’m grabbing my pliers. I’ll be right back.
    (For the record, I want to say that therre are few things in this world braver than doing a parody of any decision Sonny Chiba makes. It’s what I call living dangerously.

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