Bloody Vikings (III) – Charlie Brown’s Got an E-mail… Or Ten

If there is an opportunity to make money, the spammer will take it. Especially if said spammer is a spambot. Everything is at risk from high profile message boards to low frequency places like… Well, like Welltun Cares Presents.

It still surprises me that it happened, which is, I know, naive. I read recently that sixty percent of the blogs on Blogger are dedicated to spam. Sixty percent. Who knows how many spam sites are out there busily peddling their nonsense?

Like most everything, it’s funnier taking note of other people’s spam woes than dealing with the crap yourself. One day alone I received nearly ten spam messages for a single entry, which is, for this place, like a thousand or so. Do you know what it’s like for a sad, lonely man to find out he’s popular, only to learn that’s just random trash?

It hurts. Sniffle.

Still, being who I am, I took some perverse pleasure in the attention. SO, for the remainder of this essay, I would like to talk about some of my favorite spam. Talk, as in poke fun at mercilessly.

(Well, as near to poking merciless fun as I can get…)


This blog is awesome! If you get a chance you may want to visit this Free Software Downloads [link removed] site, it’s pretty awesome too!

This is pretty much the typical spam message I received. First the complement meant to bowl me over (not good, not great, but awesome!) then the pitch. Never mind that what was being pitched never seemed to match what the site was about, or even what was being said.

This key clue I finally learned: if the poster thinks the site was “awesome” they generally don’t post as Anonymous.

Hospitals Increasingly Using RFID, Says Study

Although costs, network coverage, and privacy issues are a concern, hospitals are increasingly turning to RFID technology for use in various applications, according to a new study from Spyglass Consulting Group …

Hey, you have a great blog here!

I have a homemade guinea pig cages [link removed] site. It pretty much covers homemade guinea pig cages related stuff.

Here’s another typical one. A little more personalized (“I checked out your site, check out mine!”). I’ve come close to falling for this one myself, actually. I halfway expect Anonymous to write “Well screw you! I thought you’d like it!”

Except, of course I have no idea why anyone coming to this site would think I had an interest in guinea pig cages.

Oh, and the complete incongruous first paragraph which isn’t connected to anything I posted or even the main thrust of the comment. That might have also been a small hint.

I mean, can anyone explain why that first paragraph is even there? To fool someone into thinking someone other than Onknee Spambot?

Honestly.


And now, to conclude this look at spam, my all-time favorite. The one I keep reading, keep shaking my head in disbelief at. The one. The only. The Should Probably.

I like your blog. Very nice! I should probably bookmark it for later.

Should probably? What does that mean? What sort of burning hoops do I need to leap through to get you to bookmark me? As obviously liking the site isn’t good enough? Do I need to eat swords? Do a little dance? Make a little love? Get down tonight?

Build guinea pig cages?

What?

TELL ME WHAT MUST I DO TO PLEASE YOU?!

I NEED TO KNOW!!

I NEEEED TO!!

Cause I’m just dying to know. Really. I’m on bated breath and everything.

Oh wait. I’ve got word verification up and you can’t respond.

Nevermind.


Postscript: Shortly after posting this, I went onto my old Excite account to do a bit of cleaning. I should let the thing die, I know, but it’s one of the last connection to my High School I have and for some reason I’m loathe to severe it (and, funnily enough, loathed to change my e-mail listing to my current service.) I find in the Spam section of my mail box a runner up to Should Probably. It’s subject was on pharmaceuticals drugs. It’s sender? “Doctor”. Just that. Doctor.

Puh-lease.

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2 Replies to “Bloody Vikings (III) – Charlie Brown’s Got an E-mail… Or Ten”

  1. One supposes that the most distressing or angering part of spam in blog comments is simply this:

    The vast majority of the people in this world live and die in obscurity. Their thoughts, their dreams, their fears, all pass from shadow to light to shadow and the world moves on to a sunnier clime.

    Blogging is a (perhaps delusional) way of countering that. One can publish anything one likes, deep secrets, terrible truths, profound wisdom, and (provided one keeps one’s illusions intact) one can believe that it is being read and thought upon by many others.

    The wise blogger, of course, realizes that out of the many hundreds of thousands of (non-spam) blogs, the chance is remote indeed that anyone will ever encounter his or her thoughts, but the illusion is a powerful one. Maybe someday, one thinks. Or maybe even now.

    And then someday comes. “1 Comments” appears below an entry. The heart quickens. Finally! Someone out there has read, and has understood! I have made contact! My ideas have merit, that essay I slaved over is appreciated! I am not alone! WOO-HOO!

    Until the comment (“You have a great website! I may add it to my links! Incidently, I have a great page on do-it-yourself tuba-repair for android shut-ins!”) is read, of course.

    Is is any wonder that experiencing such profound, shattering disappointment makes people hate spammers?

    Well, I’ve made myself miserable now. Where’s that Tequilla! (Cue end titles.)

  2. Wow. Check out what I got in my comments:

    I really liked the information on home loans, great job! I have my own home loans secrets blog if you would like to come and see what I have on mine.

    Not only have I never said anything about home loans…but I–oh well.

    At least I can understand how supervillains come about.

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