Lois Lane Necks With DC Universe Super Heroes… One Fella At a Time

And another Dump the Chump Day Valentine’s Day has come and gone without too much fuss.  Brother Eric, who has had very little luck with the holiday, spent a goodly chunk of it at the wedding of his ex-fiancée, a situation he was okay with.  Meanwhile Brother Todd and I spent the day as God intended it spent: installing a new toilet for Mom.  So it wasn’t all bad for us.

(Small digression: the toilet installment has a story attached to it of dubious amusement value.  I thought of putting it here, but decided it needed it’s own post.  Thus it will appear elsewhere.  Knowing me, probably around the time I finish the Beast from 20000 Fathoms/Godzilla, King of the Monster comparison essay…)

The real reason Superman never married Lois Lane back in the day?  She'd french Green Arrow.  True fact.

One of the few good things about this time of year are the occasional blog post detailing interesting and/or amusing comic book romance stories.  For instance, this year I finally learned the story behind the cover on the left, courtesy of Comics Should Be Good.  See, it isn’t about Lois Lane finally dumping Superchump in favor of someone who might be interested her.  Instead, it’s a whole convoluted plan to give Superman a One Time Only antidote to Kryptonite while being observed by the bad guys trying to kill him.  See, her lipstick carries the antidote, and by showering the other heroes with kisses gives it to them to give to Superman.

Left unexplained is why she had to kiss all those superheroes.  I mean, couldn’t she have gone up to Wonder Woman, handed her the lipstick and said “Here’s the lipstick you wanted” while winking broadly.  It’s not like the three heroes play a major role in the rescue.  As it’s Superman’s plan to begin with, it almost seems like he’s trying to tell Lois something.

As fun as that story is (assuming you find mind bendingly silly stories fun, mind you) that’s not why I’m talking about the issue today.  Comics Should Be Good post several choice moments from the story and I felt the need to talk about them.  Specifically, how each hero reacts to being kissed by the one and only Lois Lane.

First, let me point out that I’m doing this in reverse order of how they come in the comic itself, with mild alterations of the panel setup.  While not a word or image had been alter from the creators’ original intent, it seemed important to point this out.

Yes, this means Green Arrow is last.  And yes all of this is just a set up for me to bash Green Arrow again.  I’m not proud.  Just relatively pleased with myself.

The Bold Batman

Lois Lane Issue 29 001

Note Batman’s reaction here.  It is about the same as most of the other heroes upon being pounced on by Lois Lane in this comic.  The arms are slightly spread out, like he’s afraid to touch her.

Now the first thought that springs to my mind isn’t the typical reaction, which seems to be “OMG Batman is teh Gay!”  No, it’s that the artist is using the character as a little boy stand in.  No little boy worth his salt wants be hugged by some girl.  Ugh!  Girl cooties!

However, on reflection, I realize there’s another, completely justified reason for this reaction.  These guys are remembering their Croce.  Oh, I know that’s an anachronism, sure, but it had to be true back then, too.  Here’s a situation that can be misunderstood not by just any potentially jealous male, but the most powerful man on Earth.  That can’t be anything but nerve racking.

Superman took an oath not to kill.  He reserves the right to severely maim anyone he damn well feels like.

Next panel please!

Lois Lane Issue 29 002

Of the three heroes, only Batman seems to kiss with any real proficiency.  Which is a no doy moment; of course he’s the best kisser, he’s Batman.

This panel, too, inspires further thought.  In several imaginary stories, it’s recounted that Batman secretly harbors feelings for Lois Lane.  With that in mind, isn’t it easy to see this as a tragic moment.  The hopelessly in love Caped Crusader in the clinch with the woman he loves, praying that the moment will never end, yet knowing in his heart that if it lasts too long a Champion of Justice will perish.

Poor Batman.  Don’t you know you can never find love?  If you do, what will become of Robin?

God I love these comics.

On to page two.

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