Green Arrow: The “Super Hero” Aquaman Points and Laughs At

Yeah, no one's buying you're a bad ass. Just stop before you embarrass yourself further. Poser.

Now like Power Girl, I can’t explain why I hate Green Arrow the way I do.  I never read his stories as a kid, I didn’t watch anything that had him as a character in it, and so on.  And yet I hate him with a most fiery passion.

It’s not that he’s just a Batman rip-off with a strange affection for trick arrows and complete lack of compelling origin story.  Although that doesn’t help matters.

Seriously.  Millonaire Oliver Queen fights crime as Green Arrow…  just because.  No parents murdered before him, no letting a criminal go who the commits a murder, no last son of a dead world.  He just decides to dress up like Robin Hood and off he goes!

The prat.

If someone did this to me, someone would have his bow shoved where the sun don't shine.

Ignoring the lack of decent back story, that he runs around aping Batman’s shtick really doesn’t bother me.  In fact, it’s almost charming how he tries so hard to be the Dark Knight and fails so miserably at it.  Take his Arrowmobile, for instance.  Please. (Badumching!)

Then there’s his foes.  Who are… Hmmm.   Who does he fight again?

Now in fairness, I can name maybe two Wonder Woman foes and no Power Girl foes (though in PG’s case she’s more of a team player and less a solo act.)  But come on!  Aquaman does better in the Super Villain stakes than Green Arrow.  He has an honest to God nemesis in Black Manta.  What does Green Arrow have?

Arrows.  That’s what.

I kid you not: this comic ends with this moment as the "surprise" revelation. Apparently no one heard of spoiler warnings in the Seventies.

We don’t even want to get into how he raises his ward, Roy Harper.

I mean, let’s take a gander at Bruce Wayne/Batman.  He routinely takes his Robins into battle against the worst the world has to offer.  Which isn’t even bringing the Joker into the picture; you don’t even want to pass him on the street much less fight him.

Yet with only one exception he raises more or less well-adjusted, straight arrow young adults.

Green Arrow, he leaves town for a few weeks, comes back and find Speedy addicted to heroin.

Which is the better parent, I ask you?  He’s a hint:  He fights psychotic clowns and has better dress sense.

The real reason Superman never married Lois Lane back in the day? She'd french Green Arrow. True fact.

But, like I said, that’s almost endearing.  What isn’t endearing is the way he handles his activism.  Even Preachy McPreach Preach   couldn’t be more preachy than this guy.  He saves a dog then spends the next few hours bemoaning the social inequality that got the dog in trouble in the first place.

Look, I don’t mind messages in my entertainment, but for the love of all that is bright and beautiful, no sermons.  Please.  Stick with the boxing gloves.

But none of this explains why I don’t like Green Arrow.  There is no real reason for it.

Well…

There is the goatee.  That horrible goatee.

WHAAAA?!

I mean, honestly?  Who curls their goatees?  It’s re-damn-diculous, is what it is.  How can anyone even look at him and take him seriously?

Aquaman’s been the joke of the Super Hero community for decades.  Decades.  Here we have a guy with an honest to God set of superpowers which aren’t very useful on land but hella cool in the ocean where he spends most of his time.  He has an evil Super Villain nemesis with an okay visual presence.  Sure he’s not Namor, but he’s a damn sight better than Bowman could ever hope to be.  And he’s still a frickin’ punchline.

Yet here’s a joke waiting to be made and no one takes up the gauntlet.

Amazing.

Frickin’ goatee.

Frickin’ Batman rip off.

Frickin’ Green Arrow.

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